Something You Want To Say to an Ex

While, technically, I don’t have any exes, I do have someone in my life that I wanted to say things to, but couldn’t. And since he’s never going to read this or hear anything I’ll ever have to say again, this shall be my purging of everything that never got out.

Hi. I was crazy about you. There is nothing in the world I wouldn’t have done for you, but finding the words to tell you about it was just not possible. I was so scared. Scared that you felt the same way I did or scared that you didn’t. Scared of giving you my heart, soul, body, all of it, telling you I was in love with you and then not being able to take it back. Scared of  pain, both physical and emotional that would have come with letting you into all areas of my life.

You were the first person to notice me. See me as a complete person, with a brain, heart and lady parts. I loved touching you and loved when and how you touched me. I wanted badly to turn off the scared part of my brain and let you deflower me. I really wanted it to be you. We were almost there, you said you didn’t want to push me and I was so far into my comfort zone, the Friend Zone, that I left it at that. The next day, and the next weekend, I wanted to re-visit it, but we never talked about it again. We’d still talk, but not about that. We’d still see each other one more time after that, but still I was so scared to scare you away and you were so sure I didn’t want it. But I did.

But then you disappeared. You stopped answering my calls. Stopped calling me. Cut me off completely. I still have conversations with you in my head. You were still the first person I wanted to talk to when my dad got sick. You were the first person I wanted to call when I got sick. I want you to see how much I have changed since you knew me but that I am still the person you liked enough to go to the trouble of getting to know me.

So, like I said, I wanted it to be you. Really, I did. But you left me when I needed you to stick around. So, a couple years later, it finally sunk in that you were gone and not missing me at all. I went through a short phase of getting all the experience I could. Still, not a lot, to be sure, but I, at least, have some stories to tell. But, I’d trade all those stories for the chance to wake up next to someone I actually care about. And there haven’t been a lot of people I’ve cared about since you. You were the one person I really opened up to and allowed for the possibility of loving.  There is still a chunk missing from my heart. You took it with you. How am I supposed to give it to someone else if its not whole? Yeah, I’m broken. And it sucks.