It's official. I am becoming the girl I hate. The one who just sits around waiting for a boy to call. The one who focuses only on her boyfriend (not that I have one of those) and lets all other parts of her life suffer from lack of focus. The one who obsesses over every little word and thought, searching for nuance that isn't really there. Basically, I am becoming the teenage girl I never got to be when I was a teenage girl because back then I was way too cool for that. Now, I recognize that I am not cool at all. And that is ok.
Tomorrow, is the boy's birthday. I bought him a card and created a new accessory for his end of summer gift that he got a few months ago. But its still in my bag, collecting dust and causing trouble when the whole package gets wet on the floor of my broken car (well, there's a story for another time). Its still in my bag not because I am scared to send him a card that says I love him (he already knows that, we said it to each other several times this summer) but because I still don't have his address. Well, I have most of it, but the important part, the apartment number is still blank. I can't mail something of this caliber until I am sure he will get it.
I take birthdays very seriously. Well, not too seriously, of course. I was in the card section of Target the other day, looking for this amazing, roll around on the floor till tears form in my eyes kind of card. Alas, when I looked through every single "funny" card in the joint, I was sorely disappointed. Nothing even made me laugh alound even a little give a modest chuckle. So I bought a kids's card.
It's late and I am falling asleep while I write.
Later.
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Friday, October 19, 2007
I'm a big fan of parentheses, as you can see.
I love temping. I am sitting at work right now and since I am a temp, I have no responsibilities here whatsoever. Well, that's not completely true, I have to answer the phone (a phone which, by the by, has rung with someone on the other end a grand total of 4 times today) and let people in the security door when they forget their key. I was told to bring a book (I did, but I just can't get into Good Omens, or anything else right now. I'm in a weird head-space that I have never been in before). I've already checked my e-mail a hundred times, checked the status of my Facebook Scrabble games (even though the one person I really want to play Scrabble with is either really busy or creatively giving me the brush, hence the weird head-space) and I could build an imaginary castle with all the mah johng tiles I have moved around in Cyberspace today. So I thought I would give this a try instead.
Next month, I am preparing to head out on tour as well as write a novel. NaNoWriMo is this thing my friend Matt told me about, where everyone tries to write a 50,000 word novel in 30 days. So I am going to start getting back into writer mode by blogging every day. I have a MySpace blog, but I can't access that from this particular computer (who knows, I might accidentally download some porn). Plus, if I am going to write about what I really want to write about, its probably best to start out somewhere where no one knows its me. No pics, no bio information, just me going off about what is causing my weird head-space.
Probably when I start my novel, I will go into greater detail about how the whole thing started, but for here, the trouble started when I made an awesome new friend this summer. I think the first time we talked, he asked me about the big tattoo on my back. The second time, we talked aobut The State (early '90s sketch comedy on MTV) and the bond was set from there. I braided his hair but, because he had a date with one of my best friends, he took them out the next day. A few days later, they fired him, and I was scared that it would end there. But he was dating my friend and had invested 10 years into working for this organization, so he came by to visit a lot. Whenever he showed up, I left my post backstage and went off-site to hang with him(his on-site presence made some people nervous, so he usually hung out under trees or in parking lots). We talk about everything, books, people, movies, honestly everything. I don't think i have ever felt so free talking to someone. I think I can tell him everything, but I can't tell him what I need most to tell him. Its a curse.
Basically, what happened is this. I drove 10 hours to visit him last weekend. My sister had never been to Chicago, so she came along. We walked around the city and he was nice enough to help us get back to our car and lead the way to his place. We stayed up for a while, playing on the internet (how he beat me by one point at Scrabble, I will never know. I was like 25 points ahead with 4 letters left), watched SNL and listened to his favorite Weird Al song. Then my sister fell asleep on the futon with all the blankets and pillows and he said, "You wanna sleep with me?" I love a good snuggle partner, and he's big and burly, and a very strong hugger, so I know he'd fit the bill. We laid down, and I started rubbing his back. Then he rolled over and rubbed by back. Eventually, we kissed and nibbled and licked and rubbed pretty much everything. It was awesome. I felt so natural and safe and not at all awkward, even though I know I was. I'd fall asleep, and wake up again shortly after (I'm a bit of an insomniac) and we'd start all over again. It was the most amazing night for me. But here's the deal: I can't imagine that it was as good for him. I need to talk to him, to apologize for my obvious awkwardness and see what is really happening in his head. He was supposed to visit me next month, and was really gung ho about it when we talked earlier that day, but before I left, I mentioned it again, and he just said "We'll see." that is not the response one might hope for after a night like the one we had. The following night, we went out with a bunch of his friends, walked a long way back to his place and didn't talk about much of anything other than the drunk guy at the bus stop. We fell asleep in each others arms again which was, if possible, even more amazing than the night before with all the kissing and stuff.
Here's what I really want to say to him: "Everything that happened in your room that night was an entirely new experience for me, and I am confounded most by your amazingly strong arms and your lip nibble. I've never been in a situation when someone actually wanted to kiss me and acknowledge that I do, in fact, have girly parts, so I apologize if I didn't respond the way I am supposed to. I don't really know what that is.
"You've know me for a passably long amount of time, and I've told you stories of my social awkwardness. I just never really went into that much detail. As a "grown-up," most people would assume I would have some experience in this area, but they would be wrong. And since I don't, I've kind of live out of a fantasy world in my head. I read a lot of books, think "Oh, that would be amazing if someone did that" and then move on, never thinking it would happen to me. And the lip nibble has been put on some mythical platteau in my head because I never thought it could be as amazing as the books I read (lots of young adult fiction, there's an entire chapter on the lip nibble in "Angus, Thongs and Full Frontal Snogging"). Oh, but it was. Again, if I knew enough about how to reciprocate to these things, I certainly would have.
"Now, I don't know what is happening. I can't get you out of my head. and clearly you have no problem getting me out of yours, because you don't call me. I don't know what I would say, really, even if you would call me back. I wrote it all down in your birthday card (ok, not any of this stuff, but that you are fantastic and that I love you). I am worried that I let my guard down and could really fall for you pretty hard and that scares the hell out if me, because, in every past time I admitted to digging someone as much as I think I am digging you, I get the "But we're such good friends." chat. I don't want that from you. I would accept it if that was your best offer, because I would rather have you in my life as a great friend than not in my life as other than a memory of a some dude I knew one summer. But if I had my choice, I would rather fall asleep next to you whenever I had the chance. When you are around, I feel safe and comfortable, and that is a pretty magical feeling that I would love to have more often."
I am almost done working today, so I'm gonna sign off. I'll have more to say tomorrow, I'm sure.
J
Next month, I am preparing to head out on tour as well as write a novel. NaNoWriMo is this thing my friend Matt told me about, where everyone tries to write a 50,000 word novel in 30 days. So I am going to start getting back into writer mode by blogging every day. I have a MySpace blog, but I can't access that from this particular computer (who knows, I might accidentally download some porn). Plus, if I am going to write about what I really want to write about, its probably best to start out somewhere where no one knows its me. No pics, no bio information, just me going off about what is causing my weird head-space.
Probably when I start my novel, I will go into greater detail about how the whole thing started, but for here, the trouble started when I made an awesome new friend this summer. I think the first time we talked, he asked me about the big tattoo on my back. The second time, we talked aobut The State (early '90s sketch comedy on MTV) and the bond was set from there. I braided his hair but, because he had a date with one of my best friends, he took them out the next day. A few days later, they fired him, and I was scared that it would end there. But he was dating my friend and had invested 10 years into working for this organization, so he came by to visit a lot. Whenever he showed up, I left my post backstage and went off-site to hang with him(his on-site presence made some people nervous, so he usually hung out under trees or in parking lots). We talk about everything, books, people, movies, honestly everything. I don't think i have ever felt so free talking to someone. I think I can tell him everything, but I can't tell him what I need most to tell him. Its a curse.
Basically, what happened is this. I drove 10 hours to visit him last weekend. My sister had never been to Chicago, so she came along. We walked around the city and he was nice enough to help us get back to our car and lead the way to his place. We stayed up for a while, playing on the internet (how he beat me by one point at Scrabble, I will never know. I was like 25 points ahead with 4 letters left), watched SNL and listened to his favorite Weird Al song. Then my sister fell asleep on the futon with all the blankets and pillows and he said, "You wanna sleep with me?" I love a good snuggle partner, and he's big and burly, and a very strong hugger, so I know he'd fit the bill. We laid down, and I started rubbing his back. Then he rolled over and rubbed by back. Eventually, we kissed and nibbled and licked and rubbed pretty much everything. It was awesome. I felt so natural and safe and not at all awkward, even though I know I was. I'd fall asleep, and wake up again shortly after (I'm a bit of an insomniac) and we'd start all over again. It was the most amazing night for me. But here's the deal: I can't imagine that it was as good for him. I need to talk to him, to apologize for my obvious awkwardness and see what is really happening in his head. He was supposed to visit me next month, and was really gung ho about it when we talked earlier that day, but before I left, I mentioned it again, and he just said "We'll see." that is not the response one might hope for after a night like the one we had. The following night, we went out with a bunch of his friends, walked a long way back to his place and didn't talk about much of anything other than the drunk guy at the bus stop. We fell asleep in each others arms again which was, if possible, even more amazing than the night before with all the kissing and stuff.
Here's what I really want to say to him: "Everything that happened in your room that night was an entirely new experience for me, and I am confounded most by your amazingly strong arms and your lip nibble. I've never been in a situation when someone actually wanted to kiss me and acknowledge that I do, in fact, have girly parts, so I apologize if I didn't respond the way I am supposed to. I don't really know what that is.
"You've know me for a passably long amount of time, and I've told you stories of my social awkwardness. I just never really went into that much detail. As a "grown-up," most people would assume I would have some experience in this area, but they would be wrong. And since I don't, I've kind of live out of a fantasy world in my head. I read a lot of books, think "Oh, that would be amazing if someone did that" and then move on, never thinking it would happen to me. And the lip nibble has been put on some mythical platteau in my head because I never thought it could be as amazing as the books I read (lots of young adult fiction, there's an entire chapter on the lip nibble in "Angus, Thongs and Full Frontal Snogging"). Oh, but it was. Again, if I knew enough about how to reciprocate to these things, I certainly would have.
"Now, I don't know what is happening. I can't get you out of my head. and clearly you have no problem getting me out of yours, because you don't call me. I don't know what I would say, really, even if you would call me back. I wrote it all down in your birthday card (ok, not any of this stuff, but that you are fantastic and that I love you). I am worried that I let my guard down and could really fall for you pretty hard and that scares the hell out if me, because, in every past time I admitted to digging someone as much as I think I am digging you, I get the "But we're such good friends." chat. I don't want that from you. I would accept it if that was your best offer, because I would rather have you in my life as a great friend than not in my life as other than a memory of a some dude I knew one summer. But if I had my choice, I would rather fall asleep next to you whenever I had the chance. When you are around, I feel safe and comfortable, and that is a pretty magical feeling that I would love to have more often."
I am almost done working today, so I'm gonna sign off. I'll have more to say tomorrow, I'm sure.
J
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